"First, the good news: Everything's going fine. Then, the bad news: That ain't true." - Philippe Geluck (Belgian humorist, cartoonist)
"Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so." -- Mark Twain (American humorist, writer)
Mark Twain composed this essay (below with my ellipsis, and referred to in DejaVu's first article here) on "The Art of Lying" for a meeting of the Historical and Antiquarian Club of Hartford, Connecticut. The essay, Twain notes, was "offered for the thirty-dollar prize," but it "did not take the prize." Little wonder -- even by tongue-in-cheek observation, who wants to be called a liar?!
Yet, if we're really honest ... well, you know.
Nonetheless, his timeless brilliance remains...
On the Decay of the Art of Lying, by Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Observe, I do not mean to suggest that the custom of lying has suffered any decay or interruption -- no, for the Lie, as a Virtue, A Principle, is eternal; the Lie, as a recreation, a solace, a refuge in time of need, the fourth Grace, the tenth Muse, man's best and surest friend, is immortal, and cannot perish from the earth while this club remains. My complaint simply concerns the decay of the art of lying. No high-minded man, no man of right feeling, can contemplate the lumbering and slovenly lying of the present day without grieving to see a noble art so prostituted. ...
No fact is more firmly established than that lying is a necessity of our circumstances -- the deduction that it is then a Virtue goes without saying. No virtue can reach its highest usefulness without careful and diligent cultivation -- therefore, it goes without saying that this one ought to be taught in the public schools -- even in the newspapers. What chance has the ignorant uncultivated liar against the educated expert? What chance have I against Mr. Per -- against a lawyer? Judicious lying is what the world needs. I sometimes think it were even better and safer not to lie at all than to lie injudiciously. An awkward, unscientific lie is often as ineffectual as the truth.
Now let us see what the philosophers say. Note that venerable proverb: Children and fools always speak the truth. The deduction is plain -- adults and wise persons never speak it. ... None of us could live with an habitual truth-teller; but thank goodness none of us has to. An habitual truth-teller is simply an impossible creature; he does not exist; he never has existed. Of course there are people who think they never lie, but it is not so -- and this ignorance is one of the very things that shame our so-called civilization. Everybody lies -- every day; every hour; awake; asleep; in his dreams; in his joy; in his mourning; if he keeps his tongue still, his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude, will convey deception -- and purposely. Even in sermons -- but that is a platitude.
In a far country where I once lived the ladies used to go around paying calls, under the humane and kindly pretence of wanting to see each other; and when they returned home, they would cry out with a glad voice, saying, "We made sixteen calls and found fourteen of them out" ... The iron-souled truth-monger would plainly manifest, or even utter the fact that he didn't want to see those people -- and he would be an ass, and inflict totally unnecessary pain. ....
The men in that far country were liars, every one. Their mere howdy-do was a lie, because they didn't care how you did, except if they were undertakers. ... If a stranger called and interrupted you, you said with your hearty tongue, "I'm glad to see you," and said with your heartier soul, "I wish you were with the cannibals and it was dinner-time." When he went, you said regretfully, "Must you go?" and followed it with a "Call again;" but you did no harm, for you did not deceive anybody nor inflict any hurt, whereas the truth would have made you both unhappy.
I think that all this courteous lying is a sweet and loving art, and should be cultivated. The highest perfection of politeness is only a beautiful edifice, built, from the base to the dome, of graceful and gilded forms of charitable and unselfish lying.
What I bemoan is the growing prevalence of the brutal truth. Let us do what we can to eradicate it. An injurious truth has no merit over an injurious lie. Neither should ever be uttered. The man who speaks an injurious truth lest his soul be not saved if he do otherwise, should reflect that that sort of a soul is not strictly worth saving. The man who tells a lie to help a poor devil out of trouble, is one of whom the angels doubtless say, "Lo, here is an heroic soul who casts his own welfare in jeopardy to succor his neighbor's; let us exalt this magnanimous liar."
An injurious lie is an uncommendable thing; and so, also, and in the same degree, is an injurious truth--a fact that is recognized by the law of libel.
Among other common lies, we have the silent lie -- the deception which one conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth. Many obstinate truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they speak no lie, they lie not at all. In that far country where I once lived, there was a lovely spirit, a lady whose impulses were always high and pure, and whose character answered to them. One day I was there at dinner, and remarked, in a general way, that we are all liars. She was amazed, and said, "Not all?" ...
Lying is universal--we all do it. Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling. Then shall we be rid of the rank and pestilent truth that is rotting the land; then shall we be great and good and beautiful, and worthy dwellers in a world where even benign Nature habitually lies, except when she promises execrable weather. ...
Joking aside, I think there is much need of wise examination into what sorts of lies are best and wholesomest to be indulged, seeing we must all lie and we do all lie, and what sorts it may be best to avoid -- and this is a thing which I feel I can confidently put into the hands of this experienced Club -- a ripe body, who may be termed, in this regard, and without undue flattery, Old Masters.
Slightly fuller version at
http://www.classicauthors.net/twain/artoflying/
