Vermilion Voice
October 21, 2017, 11:36:20 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to the Vermilion Voice
 
  Home Help Search Arcade Gallery Links Staff List Login Register  

Jokes


Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 12
  Print  
Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 1779 times)
Guardian Angel
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1777



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« on: September 30, 2009, 08:45:18 pm »

Thought I'd create a thread just for jokes so we don't have a new thread for each and every joke posted.....


Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an
exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he
just had to play golf.

So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and
persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in
church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while
looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going
to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight
towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell
into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked,
"Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?" 
Report Spam   Logged

Be an angel, fly with God's flock.

Social Buttons

Guardian Angel
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1777



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2009, 08:47:24 pm »

FATHER OF THE YEAR
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No.  I work for a condom company.  These are customer complaints."
 
Wish I could think so quickly. 

 
Report Spam   Logged

Be an angel, fly with God's flock.
Guardian Angel
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1777



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2009, 08:48:09 pm »

The Candy with the little Holes

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cher ry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
Report Spam   Logged

Be an angel, fly with God's flock.
Guardian Angel
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1777



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2009, 10:36:43 pm »

KidsAreQuick

TEACHER:    Maria, go to the map and find   North  America .
MARIA:         Here it  is.
TEACHER:   Correct.  Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:          Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______   

TEACHER:   John,  why are you doing your math multiplication on  the floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it  without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell  'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No,  that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you  asked me how I spell it.   

(I  Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:   Donald, what is the chemical formula for  water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:   What are you talking  about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.   
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER:   Winnie, name one important thing we have  today that we didn't have ten years  ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___   

TEACHER:   Glen, why do you always get so  dirty?
GLEN:          Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you  are.   
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER:     Millie, give me a sentence starting  with ' I. '
MILLIE:         I  is..
TEACHER:     No, Millie..... Always say, 'I  am.'
MILLIE:          All right...  'I am  the ninth letter of the alphabet.'     
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER:    George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.   
Now, Louie, do you know why his father  didn't punish him?
LOUIS:           Because George still had the axe in his hand..   
____________ _________ _________ ________   

TEACHER:    Now,  Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers  before eating?
SIMON:         No sir, I don't have to, my  Mom is a good cook.   
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the  same as your brother's.. Did you copy  his?
CLYDE :         No, sir. It's the same dog.   
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER:   Harold, what do you call a person who  keeps on talking when people are no longer  interested?
HAROLD:     A teacher
Report Spam   Logged

Be an angel, fly with God's flock.
Guardian Angel
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1777



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #4 on: October 01, 2009, 01:23:50 pm »

Baptising an Irishman

 
A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
 upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
 
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
 
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
 
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
 
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
 
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
 
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
 
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
 
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
 
The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
 
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
 
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

  'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Report Spam   Logged

Be an angel, fly with God's flock.
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2009, 07:36:25 am »

Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield

 
Because he said ...
 
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
 
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
 
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming  home.
 
A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
 
A **** once told me she had a headache!
 
If it weren't for pickpockets,  I'd have no sex life at all.
 
I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the  morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
 
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
 
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
 
The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
 
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
 
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
 
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
 
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
 
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Report Spam   Logged
Winston
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 400


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #6 on: October 02, 2009, 11:30:59 am »

Grin Grin  Now THESE email "forwards" I much prefer over mean political ones, thanks, you guys.  Good ones.   Cheesy
Yep, HOW I miss Rodney!  (Wonder what wisecracks he and George Carlin are making to each other up there...)  Wink
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #7 on: October 02, 2009, 08:53:15 pm »

Right you are Winston, this is a lot better than talking and gettung a lot of people P.O ed, And ur right , they will never be replaced..some funny ones out there ...But Rodney and George were in my book , the best , i can still watch them and crack up .  And i have seen them i dont know how many times.. Sadly missed
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #8 on: October 03, 2009, 09:27:45 am »

Subject: Fw: Stimulus








>
>
>
>Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic
>Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it
using the Q and A format:
>
>
>
>Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
>
>A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
>
>Q. Where will the government get this mo ney?
>A. From taxpayers.
>
>Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
>A. Only a smidgen.
>
>Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
>A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
>
>Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
>A. Shut up.
>
>Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
>spending your stimulus
>
>check wisely:
>
>
>* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to
>China
>
>.
>* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
>
>
>* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
>
>
>* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras
and Guatemala .
>
>
>* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
>
>
>* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
>
>
>* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to
>management bonuses and they will hide it
>
>offshore.
>
>Instead, keep the money in America by:
>
>1 spending it at yard sales, or
>
>2 going to ball games, or
>
>3 spending it on prostitutes, or
>
>4 beer or
>
>5 tattoos.
>
>(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
>
>Conclusion:
>
>Go to a ball game with a tattooed p rostitute that you met at a yard
sale and drink beer all day.
>
Report Spam   Logged
Pretender
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 288



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #9 on: October 03, 2009, 06:07:15 pm »

You've convinced me..........
Report Spam   Logged

Bob
Herman
Newbie
*
Gender: Male
Posts: 34



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2009, 08:46:03 am »

cute 6th grader joke....

What do you call a pony that has a cough?

" a little horse"

nyuk,nyuk
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2009, 08:01:37 am »

10 reasons Chicago didn't get the 2016 Olympics:


10. Dead people can't vote at IOC meetings

9.   Obama distracted by 25 min meeting with Gen. McChrystal

8.   Who cares if Obama couldn't talk the IOC into Chicago?
      He'll be able to talk Iran out of nukes.

7.   The impediment is Israel still building settlements.

6.   Obviously no president would have been able to acomplish it.

5.   We've been quite clear and said all along that we didn't want the Olympics.

4.   This isn't about the number of Olympics "lost",
      it's about the number of Olympics "saved" or "created".

3.   Clearly not enough wise Latina judges on the committee

2.   Because the IOC is racist.

1.   It's George Bush's fault.

 
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2009, 08:06:13 am »

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
  Kentuckians, Tennesseans and  West Virginians  will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
 
 

You must now refer to them as
 
 
 
 

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
 
And furthermore
 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
 

' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
 

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
 

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
 
(Loved this one!)
 

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
 

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
 

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
 

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
 

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
 

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
 

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT ****' - She is a
 

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
 

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
 

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
 
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
 

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
 

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
 

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
 
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
 

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
 
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION..'
 

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
 
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
 
(Loved this one!)
 

6. It's not ThE 'CRACK' you see hanging out of pants - It's
 
'REAR CLEAVAGE. 



 

Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #13 on: October 06, 2009, 08:14:20 am »

Conservatives and Liberals


 
 
 


Random Thoughts On The Difference

   
If a conservative doesn't like guns, they don't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, then no one should have one.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, they don't eat meat. If a liberal is,
they want to ban all meat products for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his
enemy. A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, they quietly enjoy their life. If a
liberal is homosexual, they loudly demand legislated respect.

If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as
independently successful. Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his
situation. A liberal demands that someone take care of him.

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal
wants any mention of God or religion silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for
it, or may choose a job that provides it. A liberal demands that his
neighbors pay for his.

 

Politicians are like diapers they need to be changed regularly for the same reason.


 
Report Spam   Logged
Radardude
Jr. Member
**
Gender: Male
Posts: 54



View Profile WWW
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #14 on: October 06, 2009, 08:46:01 am »

Report Spam   Logged

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 12
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by EzPortal
Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum | Buy traffic for your forum/website

Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines