Jokes

[Chazzy]

Some interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy. 


   

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
 
 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
 
 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
 
 3. You have more wives than teeth.
 
 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
 
 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
 
 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
 
 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
 
 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
 
 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
 
 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
 
 11. Your cousin is president of the United States 
 


 

[Chazzy]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.


He promptly called the US  House of Representatives for assistance.


The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.


How might I help you?"


"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"


Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.


Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

 

[Chazzy]

I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter:
GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in  Sweetwater  ,  Texas  , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.
 
 
 

 

[Guardian Angel]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6


It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?'  John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead.  Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front
of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'



SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death
in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.  When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing **** looking in the bedroom mirror.. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
 
I wander if he can see out of two black eyes??

[Chazzy]

Tool Definitions

 

 

 

 

 

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the  corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in  about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into  major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed  your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the  bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily  fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead  of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to  disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
implies, to strip  out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or  plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a ****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
 
 

 

[Chazzy]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:



You're walking down a
Deserted street with your wife
And
Two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
Comes
Around the corner, locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the
Knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds
Before he reaches you and your family.

What Do You do?

...................................................... .........

THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:





Democrat's
Answer :


Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does
The man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that
Would inspire
Him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife
Think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club
And knock
The knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about
This situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
Of message
Does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be
Happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would
He be
Content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold
On, could my
Family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call
9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have
Paint and weed day and
Make this happier, healthier street that
Would
Discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to
Debate this with
Some friends for few days and try to come to a
Consensus.

.. ................................................... ............



Republican's
Answer:

BANG!


..................................................... ...................................................... .........

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG !
Click . . .. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click 

Daughter: Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those
The Winchester Silver Tips or Hydrashocks? 

Son: Can I shoot the next one? 

Wife: You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!
 
 
 

[Chazzy]

Whose Kid?

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow
I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, "If
my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little
elephant."

The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and
yelled at the kid, "What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom
was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiled and said, "I would be a bus driver!"

[Chazzy]

Drafting Guys Over 60

This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier...


New Direction for any war:  Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some **** that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up befo re 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-****.


If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the scream ing and yelling.


They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cow ard terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!!  How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!  If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

[Chazzy]

Oil Shortage Explained:

There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an
oil shortage here in the USA.

Well, there's a very simple answer.... nobody bothered to check the
oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is
purely geographical.

All the oil is in Texas, Oklahoma, Alaska, Wyoming, etc. All the
dipsticks are in Washington, D.C.

[Chazzy]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?







Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years.  You've seen his wars and his technological advances.  You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."




The Chief nodded in agreement.




The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."






Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that.....

[Chazzy]

Irish ****
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his
> >> advice on reviving her husband's libido.
> >>
> > ;> 'What about trying ****?' asked the doctor.
> >>
> >> 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
> >>
> >> 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish ****'.
> >> It's when you drop the **** tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste
> >> it.. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
> >>
> >> It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly
> >> inquired as to her progress.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was
> >> horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
> >>
> >> 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
> >>
> >> 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the
> >> effect was almost im mediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his
> >> eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
> >> sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took
> >> me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I
> >> tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
> >>
> >> 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your
> >> husband provided wasn't good?'
> >>
> >> 'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But
> >> sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks
> >> again!

[Chazzy]

FIVE Surgeons


  Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
  patients to operate on.

  The first surgeon, from New York , says,  "I like to see accountants on
  my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
  numbered."

  The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
  electricians!  Everything inside them is color coded."

  The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
  are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

  The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
  construction workers. Those guys always understand
  when you have a few parts left over."

  But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he
  observed: "You're all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
  There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.  Plus, the
  head and the ass are interchangeable."

[Chazzy]

Penguins
 

 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in  Antarctica   - where do they go ?
                                   
Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
 
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
 
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of  the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in  the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
 
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:   
 

                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow"
 
                         "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
 
                         "Then they kick him in the ice hole."

[Chazzy]

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong **** out the window.

[Chazzy]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." "Who?" the passenger asks. "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time." The passenger replies "There are always a few clouds over everybody." To which the cabbie adds "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." "Sounds like he was something really special," says the passenger. "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." "Wow, some guy then," says the passenger. "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never disagree with her even if he knew she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate; shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."The Passenger can’t take anymore when he finally says "Sounds like an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" The Cabbie turns around and says, "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died ... I'm married to his widow."