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Winston
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« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2009, 09:03:07 am »

Gol, MORE potty humor!   (Perhaps this forum needs to be psycho-analyzed?)     Grin

Good gloomy day for jokes, thanks you guys.   Those of us who are "housebroken non-pc conflicted conservative-liberals" always appreciate something to laugh at.    Cheesy  The old one about politicians and diapers is especially good.  As, I believe, is:
"Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:   One in office and one in prison.   Illinois Already Does This."
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« Reply #16 on: October 06, 2009, 10:57:00 am »

It just never ends Winston................. Grin

POOF and the light goes off

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results. The doctor says, 'Bert, everything looks great. How are
you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'
 
Bert replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'
 
'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.
 
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Bert's wife. 'Ethel,' he
says,  'Bert is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,
*poof*! the light goes off?'
 
'OH MY GAWD!' Ethel exclaims. 'He's peeing in the fridge again!!!!'.
 

 



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« Reply #17 on: October 06, 2009, 11:00:46 am »

 
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,   'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

               (I love this part)
 
 
 


'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
 
 
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« Reply #18 on: October 08, 2009, 10:06:57 am »

Watch for these mergers in 2009:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.


5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang
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« Reply #19 on: October 08, 2009, 07:43:30 pm »

Mildred, the  church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of  the church's morals, kept sticking her nose  into other people's business.  Several  members did not approve of her  extra  curricular activities, but feared her  enough to  maintain their silence.

She made a  mistake, however, when she accused  Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic  after she saw his old pickup parked in  front of the town's only bar one  afternoon.   

She  emphatically told Frank (and several  others) that  everyone seeing it there WOULD KNOW  WHAT HE WAS DOING !

Frank, a man  of few words, stared at  her for a moment and just turned  and walked away.  He didn't  explain, defend, or deny. He said  nothing.   

Later that  evening, Frank  quietly parked his pickup in front of  Mildred's house ... walked home  ..

 . .and left  it there all night !!! 

   ( You gotta  love Frank !) 
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« Reply #20 on: October 09, 2009, 07:41:02 pm »

 Fun facts



                               

                                If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee..
                                (Hardly seems worth it.)

                                If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
                                (Now that's more like it!)

                                The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
                                (O.M.G.!)



                                A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
                                (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



                                A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
                                (I'm still not over the pig.)




                                Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
                                (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)





                                The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
                                (Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)



                                The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
                                (30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

                                The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
                                (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)




                                Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
                                (I still want to be a pig in my next life..quality over quantity)



                                Butterflies taste with their feet.
                                (Something I always wanted to know.)


                                The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm.....)



                                Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
                                (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


                                Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
                                (Okay, so that would be a good thing)


                                A cat's urine glows under a black light.
                                (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



                                An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
                                (I know some people like that.)

                                Starfish have no brains
                                (I know some people like that too.)



                                Polar bears are left-handed..
                                (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


                                Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
                                (What about that pig??)

 
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« Reply #21 on: October 10, 2009, 07:44:53 am »

Power Of The Badge!



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Gault says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


 

The  DEA  officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to Gault.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "


 

Gault nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.


 

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. 



 With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get " Horned "  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified.  Gault throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


 

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"
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« Reply #22 on: October 11, 2009, 08:48:12 am »

 A Tongue-tied Man


 
 


A tongue-tied man goes into a nut shop, and the first thing he notices is that the guy behind the counter has the largest nose he has ever seen. The tongue-tied guy quickly turns his attention to the merchandise and asks, "Ess-tues me, sir?"

> "Yes?" replies the clerk. "Tould you tale me how mutsh your pisstasheos arr?"

> "Pistachio's? They're six dollars a pound."

> "SSit!"

> The tongue-tied guy goes back to browsing and then asks,  "Welp, how mutsh arr your aahhmons?"

> "Almonds? They're seven fifty a pound."

> "SSIT!  tas' pensive too," replies the tongue-tied man.
>
> "Welp, how bout your pikanns?"
>
> "Pecans? They're on sale today, they're only four fifty a pound."

> "Welp, Ssit. Just div me a pound of dose dhen."

> "All righty," says the clerk as he begins bagging up a pound of pecans.

> Then the tongue-tied guy says to the clerk, "Tirr, I just wanna tay tank you for not making fun of de way I talk, tauz I tan't hep it."

> The clerk replies with a smile. "Oh sir, you don't have to thank me for that.  I don't make fun of anybody.  I don't know if you noticed but I have a rather large nose."
 

> The tongue-tied guy replies, "Oh, Ssit! Is dat your noze?  I tought dat wuz your pecka sinth your nuts are so high."


__._,_.___
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« Reply #23 on: October 12, 2009, 09:50:15 am »

Be  Careful Out There:   
 
IDIOT  SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that  one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made  at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's  not.' Four is larger than two..'         

We  haven't used Sears repair since.
 
IDIOT  SIGHTING:
 
 My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you  gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I  know,  but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'  She sighed and went  to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me  back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of  thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in  change..   
   
Do  not confuse the clerks at McD's.
 
   
IDIOT  SIGHTING  :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign  on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!     I  don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS .   


IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE  :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the  person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they  only had iceberg lettuce.
  From Kansas City   


IDIOT  SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee  asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled  knowingly and nodded,
   'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham ,  Ala. .   


IDIOT  SIGHTING  :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.. I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew  what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light  is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'

She  was a probation officer in Wichita , KS   

   
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We  should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas Instruments.     

       
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and  for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no  less. 


IDIOT  SIGHTING
 
When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were  told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and  found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and  discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician,  'its open!'  His reply, 'I know.  I already got that  side.'

This  was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


STAY ALERT! 

They walk among  us... and they VOTE and they  REPRODUCE
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« Reply #24 on: October 12, 2009, 11:46:55 am »

Ain't it the truth! 
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The most successful tyranny is not the one that uses force to assure uniformity, but the one that removes awareness of other possibilities, that makes it seem inconceivable that other ways are viable, that removes the sense that there is an outside. --Allan Bloom
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« Reply #25 on: October 13, 2009, 08:21:28 pm »

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she
loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both
of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the
'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.
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« Reply #26 on: October 14, 2009, 11:41:45 am »

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, 'I couldn't help but notice' he said, 'that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?'

'I am sorry if I disturbed you,' she replied. 'I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Black Pepper.'
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« Reply #27 on: October 15, 2009, 07:24:55 am »

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said: "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the **** and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
 
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« Reply #28 on: October 15, 2009, 10:32:49 am »

Subject: Nine Months Later
 
 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up  Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself but I'm recently widowed.' she explained, 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' Jack said, 'we'll be happy to sleep in the barn and, if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cl eared  and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it  was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said  Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.  I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

 

 

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!


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« Reply #29 on: October 16, 2009, 07:56:34 am »

The Mule - Check this out.



Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Nixa Mo. Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that.. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Price Cutter  grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn't anyone complain?

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
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