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Chazzy
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« Reply #150 on: March 01, 2010, 08:06:41 am »

-------Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler


 

December 8 6:00 PM


 

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!


 


December 9   


 

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! 
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!
 


 

December 12


 

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.


 


December 14


 

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.


 


December 15


 

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.


 


December 16


 

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.


 


December 17


 

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own livingroom.


 


December 20


 

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. 
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're
lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.


 


December 22


 

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pee'd and
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the
ass is lying.


 


December 23


 

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!! 
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she's lying.


 


December 24


 

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a **** who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.


 


December 25


 

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - Snowed in
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a  fricking
idiot. If I have to watch 'It's A Wonderful Life' one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.


 


December 26


 

Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.


 


December 27


 

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes freeze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.


 


December 28


 

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The **** is
driving me crazy!!!


 


December 29


 

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?


 


December 30


 

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.


 


December 31


 

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.


 


January 8


 

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?



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« Reply #151 on: March 11, 2010, 08:19:04 pm »

http://www.jabberwonk.com/flinker.cfm?cliid=13yoft
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"One of the very difficult parts of the decision I made on the financial crisis was to use hardworking people's money to help prevent there to be a crisis." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009
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« Reply #152 on: March 27, 2010, 08:55:47 am »

Oil  Change instructions for  Women:
 
 
 
1) Pull up  to Jiffy  Lube when the mileage reaches     3000 miles  since the last oil change.
 
 
2) Drink a  cup of coffee.
 
 
3) 15  minutes later, write a check and leave with a  properly maintained vehicle.
 
 
 
Money  spent:
 
 
 
Oil  Change:  $20.00 Coffee:   $1.00 Total:     $21.00
 
==========
 

Oil  Change instructions for  Men  :
 
 
 
1)  Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and  buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand  cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for  $50.00.
 
 
2)  Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check  for $20, drive home.
 
 
3)  Open a beer and drink it.
 
 
4)  Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack  stands.
 
 
5)  Find jack stands under kid's pedal  car.
 
 
6)  In frustration, open another beer and drink  it.
 
 
7)  Place drain pan under engine..
 
 
Cool  Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 
 
9)  Give up and use crescent wrench.
 
 
10)  Unscrew drain plug.
 
 
11)  Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil  on you in process. Cuss.
 
 
12)  Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of  face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled  oil.
 
 
13)  Have another beer while watching oil  drain.
 
 
14)  Spend 30 minutes looking for oil  filter wrench.
 
 
15)  Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver  through oil filter and twist  off.
 
 
16)  Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter  splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide  old oil filter among trash in trash can to  avoid  environmental penalties. Drink a  beer.
 
 
17)  Install new oil filter making  sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket  surface.
 
 
18)  Dump first quart of fresh oil into  engine.
 
 
19)  Remember drain plug from step  11.
 
 
20)  Hurry to find drain plug in drain  pan.
 
 
21)  Drink beer.
 
 
22)  Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on  the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil  spill.
 
 
23)  Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill.  Drink beer.
 
 
24)  Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.  Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain  plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any  excess skin between knuckles and  frame.
 
 
25)  Begin cussing fit.
 
 
26)  Throw stupid crescent wrench.
 
 
27)  Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit  bowling trophy.
 
 
28)  Beer.
 
 
29)  Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop  blood flow.
 
 
30)  Beer.
 
 
31)  Dump in five fresh quarts of  oil.
 
 
32)  Beer.
 
 
33)  Lower car from jack stands.
 
 
34)  Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh  oil spilled during any missed  steps.
 
 
35)  Beer.
 
 
36)  Test  drive car.
 
 
37)  Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the  influence.
 
 
38)  Car gets impounded.
 
 
39)  Call loving wife, make bail..
 
 
40)  12 hours later, get car from impound  yard.
 

Money  spent: Parts: $50.00 DUI:  $2500.00 Impound fee: $75.00 Bail:  $1500.00 Beer: $20.00 Total:  $4,145.00
 
 
But you know the job  was done right!
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« Reply #153 on: March 28, 2010, 08:34:45 pm »

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

    Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November." Now the banker, being the wise man that he was could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.

    Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

    Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

   "How's the new wife?" asked the banker. Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant." The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?" Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."
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« Reply #154 on: March 28, 2010, 09:23:25 pm »

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
he turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the total stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the  congressman. 'How about global warming or
universal health care', and he smiles smugly.

OK, ' she said. 'Those could be  interesting topics. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?'

The California legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss global warming or universal health care when you don't know
****? 
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« Reply #155 on: March 28, 2010, 09:31:38 pm »

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'
 
*****
 
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
 
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
 
*****
 
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
 
Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
 
******
 
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.
 
'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'
 
With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
 
******
 
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?'
 
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer..'
 
*****
 
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .'
 
'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
 
*****
 
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained,
 
'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'
 
An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
 
*****
MY FAVORITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
God's Problem Now.
 
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
 
The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,-- she's there.'
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« Reply #156 on: March 29, 2010, 08:58:48 am »

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

Cool What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 3 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.












ANSWERS

 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

Cool What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange
(of course!)

What do you mean, you failed?!!

Me, too...!!!
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« Reply #157 on: March 29, 2010, 04:18:40 pm »

A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other , and mumbling to himself.
 
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
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« Reply #158 on: March 29, 2010, 08:55:10 pm »

Subject: Getting Older

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
     
An 85-year-old man was requested by his  doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take   this jar home and bring back a semen  sample tomorrow' 

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happend and the manexplained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried  with my right hand, but nothing.   
Then I tried  with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with  her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 

'We even called up Arle en, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your   neighbor?'   
   
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'
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« Reply #159 on: March 30, 2010, 08:57:09 am »

An illegal immigrant picks up a ****.
 
"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the **** turns to him and says, "Hey, I was
expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good
 
So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

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« Reply #160 on: March 30, 2010, 08:03:42 pm »

A Blonde's Year in Review   

January 
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. 

February 
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.......bottles  won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said ' 2-4 years!' 

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours ... 
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to  make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
8 cups of  water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June
Tried to  go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a  slope.   

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September   
The capital of California is  'C'.....isn't it???   

October
Hate M & M's.....
They are so hard to peel. 

November   
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days  ... 
Instructions  said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! 

December 

Couldn't  call 911.
'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on  the stupid phone!!! 



THE  BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO  FAR 

A  man was in his front yard mowing grass when his  attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the  house and went straight to the mailbox. 

She opened it then slammed  it shut and  stormed back into the house.   

A little later she came out of her house again went to  the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she  went. 

As the man was getting  ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,  marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the  man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied,  'There certainly is!'

(Are you  ready? This is a  beauty...) 



'My stupid computer keeps  saying, 'YOU'VE GOT  MAIL!' 
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« Reply #161 on: April 04, 2010, 01:26:13 pm »

Blondes Are The Best!!!

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
 
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, What have you been doing?"

The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"
 
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Two Blondes With Hammers...
 
Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
 
Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
 
They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.  He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
 
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
 
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
 
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
 
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'
 
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
 
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
 
'Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied.
 
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
 
The blond replied... 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
 
+++++++++++++
 
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
 
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
 
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
 
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
 
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
 
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
 
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
 
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
 
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
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« Reply #162 on: April 07, 2010, 08:05:00 pm »

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm.

 All their lives they had both had an extreme fear of thunder
storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbour, and while
walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning
was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all
around.

Totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her
head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the
lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and
the wind blew her dress up exposing a long unused part of her
anatomy.

Along came the local stud, and seeing the poor soul's
predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do
in such a situation.

After fully satisfying himself he zipped up his pants and went on
his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed
home, calling to her sister,

"Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! I was just hit by lightning...
and we never have to be afraid again!!!!!!"
 
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« Reply #163 on: April 07, 2010, 08:10:37 pm »

Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..." Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely ****, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these br easts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?" Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"
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Chazzy
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« Reply #164 on: April 07, 2010, 08:17:17 pm »

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective
conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing  features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said,
\"did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!   
 
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile
of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!   
 
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." 
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything
distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture,
and began looking at some of the  papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well,  Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
 

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