Vermilion Voice
December 16, 2017, 02:31:13 pm
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
News: Welcome to the Vermilion Voice
 
  Home Help Search Arcade Gallery Links Staff List Login Register  

Jokes


Pages: 1 ... 10 11 [12]
  Print  
Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 1786 times)
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #165 on: April 08, 2010, 07:54:47 am »

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen."
1st Man: "No, it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the
10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #166 on: April 10, 2010, 07:50:47 am »

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows,
Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style.."
 
The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas , Then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio ,
 Over to Houston and down to Brownsville ....
They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock , and
Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas ...

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read:

"I'm a Democrat,"
"I'm Gay,"
"I love the Dixie Chicks,"
"Boycott Beef,"
"I Voted for Obama,"
" George Strait Sucks,"
"Hillary in 2012"
And
"I'm here to confiscate your guns.."

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.


Report Spam   Logged
Winston
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 400


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #167 on: April 10, 2010, 01:51:19 pm »

New Terror Alert Levels Worldwide

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's Get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out preemptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case. 

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the Air Force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the Navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I Hope Australia Will Come and Rescue Us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No Worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I Think We'll Need to Cancel the Barbie this Weekend" and "The Barbie is Cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #168 on: April 14, 2010, 07:51:00 am »

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN


A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit..

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #169 on: April 14, 2010, 08:21:21 pm »

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
 
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fellin his ear.
 
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
 
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
 
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
 
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
 
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
 
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.
 
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart?
 
What do you think he's going  to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'  : )

Report Spam   Logged
Chazzy
Sr. Member
****
Gender: Male
Posts: 452



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #170 on: April 17, 2010, 08:34:22 am »

Bar Talk

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he
could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's
have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their
drinks.

Curios, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!

Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue drinking.

Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school did you go
to?"

"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and I
graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk
again."


Report Spam   Logged
Winston
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 400


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #171 on: April 19, 2010, 08:57:22 am »

Okay, a couple knot, knot jokes:
___________
How did baby Hitler tie his shoes?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
In little knotsies.
____________

Three strings go into a bar and sit at a table.
The first string gets up the courage to go to the bar and order three drinks.
The bartender looks at the string and says, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."
So the string goes back to the table and sits with his two friends. The second string takes a deep breath, goes up to the bar and says, "I need three beers please."
The bartender smirks and says, "I just told your friend, we don't serve strings here," and the second string goes back to the table and sits down.
The third string thinks for a bit, goes to the bathroom, ties a bow in his middle and pulls the top of himself apart into tiny threads...and then the bottom apart into tiny threads. He leaves the bathroom, goes up to the bartender and orders three beers. The Bartender looks him up and down and asks..."Are you a string?"...to which he answers..."No, I'm a fraid Knot."

_________
And not a knot joke:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey - why the long face?"
Report Spam   Logged
DejaVu
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 2023



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #172 on: April 19, 2010, 06:30:43 pm »

Your joke about the 3 strings was just one string the first time I heard it. I thought that joke was hilarious and through the years it's been one of the only 2 jokea that I could ever remember! That one and the one about the cannibals sitting around eating a clown and the one says to the other...."does this taste funny to you"? I'm not sure what that says about me... Grin
Report Spam   Logged

The most successful tyranny is not the one that uses force to assure uniformity, but the one that removes awareness of other possibilities, that makes it seem inconceivable that other ways are viable, that removes the sense that there is an outside. --Allan Bloom
Winston
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 400


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #173 on: April 20, 2010, 09:39:40 am »

Your joke about the 3 strings was just one string the first time I heard it. I thought that joke was hilarious and through the years it's been one of the only 2 jokea that I could ever remember! That one and the one about the cannibals sitting around eating a clown and the one says to the other...."does this taste funny to you"? I'm not sure what that says about me... Grin

Cannibal jokes can really eat at a person...  heh.
Guess that's "string joke inflation" for you.  (Of course I blame Dubya, and all the strings he pulled.)  Wink
 
Except for a few Groucho quips ("Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.") and clever Dorothy Parker spoonerisms ("I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy." or "You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."), the only one I can ever remember is "Two peanuts were walking in the park and one was a-salted."
(I know, nutty.)  Of course, puns are considered the LOWEST form of humor, so ... lo, here's another!:

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these
alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam,
then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's
wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Report Spam   Logged
Guardian Angel
Hero Member
*****
Gender: Female
Posts: 1777



View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #174 on: May 03, 2010, 03:32:16 pm »

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

 "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

 "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
Report Spam   Logged

Be an angel, fly with God's flock.
Winston
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 400


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #175 on: May 07, 2010, 08:00:23 pm »

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.  Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

    'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.       
    It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.  Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'
     
    The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

    The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'
     
    The moment turned awkward.
     
    Some of the men actually had to 'try' not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.
    A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?'
     
    The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they've been used.'
Report Spam   Logged
Winston
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 400


View Profile
Badges: (View All)
« Reply #176 on: August 11, 2010, 09:50:45 am »



"MY FAMILY PHOTO
On the left is my wife, in the middle is my mother-in-law, beside her is my sister and on the right is my sister-in-law.
No, I believe that the person in the middle is my wife, beside my sister-in-law and to the right is my mother-in-law and left is my mother
My memory is not that good any more, and I do not know if my daughter was with us that day.
I believe that she could be the person on the right but I am not that sure.   The only thing I can be sure of is that my wife is in the middle
Or maybe not "

_____________________

(I wonder if he had to re-take because they weren't smiling ... Roll Eyes )
Report Spam   Logged


Pages: 1 ... 10 11 [12]
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by EzPortal
Bookmark this site! | Upgrade This Forum
SMF For Free - Create your own Forum | Buy traffic for your forum/website

Powered by SMF | SMF © 2016, Simple Machines